I don't know why but I have been in a really depressive state of mind as of late. I think it is because I don't have a job therefore I don't have anything to do. I like to be busy and my days are not very busy right now. I try to fill them by doing something but nothing truly useful comes out of it. I have been taking pictures whenever the mood hits me to go shoot. But that urge doesn't hit me very often because I'm always here at the house. I have photographed everything interesting here. I was going to go hiking with my ward yesterday but company came over. I am trying to be more outgoing which is proving to be very difficult. I don't know how long this transformation is going to take me but I am consciously working on it. I am working on making myself more confident. I am reading A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen which is helping me to be aware of what I say. I haven't officially started the 21-day challenge, and I don't know if I ever will, but it is making me think. And when ever I feel like I really have no friends or just need to lose myself I head over to Friends of Josh Groban. The Grobanites always make me feel loved. *big hug to you all* Also, I feel like I am never going to be married and have children. I know first I have to get a boyfriend, thus I am working on my confidence. But, really, can I just ramble on for a moment? I was born three months early weighing in at 2lb 4oz. Mom was, still is, petite like me. I am scared that I won't be able to carry my babies for a full term. My brothers and I were all early, although I was the earliest by far. I just don't know what will happen. I want a baby so bad. I want three kids, at least. And I want a baby girl. How am I going to be able to have my baby girl if I can't carry her? Just tell me everything will turn out okay. Please, let me believe that I will someday be a mother. I want to hold my little baby to me and rock her to sleep. I want to see her learn how to walk and talk. I want to hug her and kiss her and let her know how much I love her. I want children and I am afraid that my body won't let me. I sure hope that this feeling of hopelessness goes away!
This is Chad (your brother) and Amber (your only sister-in-law for many years - hahaha!)... Just here to let you know that we think of you often and that we love you! Life has a way of working out in the end. Promise. Love you lots! Chad and Amber
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